Awkward

I have a new boss at work and I had the chance to meet him this week. After introducing himself, he asked us if we had any questions for him. One of the directors shouted out "what do you like to do outside of work?" He mentioned he has a wife and two children and that somehow turned into asking anyone who has children to raise their hands. Everyone at the table except one other woman and me raised their hands. He then went around and asked the ages of the kids.

Now if you read my post about jealousy, you'll wonder why this bothered me so much and to be honest, I'm not sure I understand why myself. But it did. Part of the frustration was that we only had a small amount of time and it was spent discussing kids when I think there are many important questions that could have been asked. But then the other part is probably that I couldn't raise my hand. And I wish that I could.

Sharing the truth

I told my mom about our fertility issues. I mean, I told my mom.. everything. Before I gave her the details, she said "I thought you said when you got married that you'd try naturally until you were 30." And yes, at some point, before I knew everything I know now, that is what I said. But then I explained to her that we have issues we didn't know about. She seemed really sad. I'm pretty sure the sadness was for me. And god.. that makes me even more sad. I don't want her to share my pain. I just want to be able to talk to someone about everything that is going on.

She was really supportive of everything though and it felt good to get all of this off my chest. I told her I didn't want her to ask me anything after the conversation in terms of updates etc. For some reason, my biggest fear is the added stress of someone asking questions about appointments and procedures and how they went. I want to talk on my own terms, when I'm ready. Anyway, just typing this entry puts tears in my eyes.

Guilty Pleasures

I have to confess that one of my really guilty pleasures is watching “16 and Pregnant.” If we have children and our teen daughter becomes pregnant with a baby, I would never encourage her to have an abortion and I would certainly never be behind adoption. I would definitely make sure that she could continue on with high school and graduate from college while we hired someone to watch the child. However, I am pro-choice and if my teen daughter felt strongly that abortion was her best option, I would stand behind her regardless of how much it would pain me. Anyway, I have no doubts that teen pregnancy is difficult, but I do question why our society looks down on it so much. If a family has financial stability and realizes the importance of education and is able to support their child/grandchild, I don’t think it’s as terrible as people make it out to be. Of course, this situation is probably not the norm.

I think some of my feelings stem from my sister-in-law’s experience. She had two kids at a young age, but by the age of 27, she was diagnosed with cancer and had to have her uterus removed. She can’t have any children now but she was blessed to have two at a young age and she is very thankful for that. I know that this is a unique situation. Not everyone loses their ability to have children at 27. But in her case, everything worked out in the way that it was supposed to.

When I married my husband at 22 (he was 29) I think a lot of people thought we were too young. However, now I am more thankful than ever that we got married when we did. If we waited 4-5 more years to get married and then we tried naturally for a few years, I’d be at least 30 before we’d seek out fertility help and go through what we are doing now. Fertility begins to gradually drop in your late 20’s. That is certainly not a reason to get married young, but if you know you are with the person that you are going to marry, perhaps that should be a thought in your mind.

In hindsight, I wouldn’t have tried naturally for a few years to get pregnant based on the theory that we were young.

Sharing Happiness

Now this may sound really bad, but one of the things that I am really looking forward to is a baby shower. We had a really small wedding (immediately family only) so you know I am not typically one who likes a lot of attention (and I’m certainly not one who just wants gifts). But, the baby shower is going to have special significance to me and I just really want to celebrate it. I want to gush over baby things and anticipate the arrival of our baby. And yes, I know you need to have a baby on the way to have a baby shower. I’m just saying that I can admit to the fact that if I become pregnant, I want a really special shower.

I’m also not the kind of person to go clothes shopping (I may spend a couple hundred on clothes/shoes a year, if that) but you better believe that I am going to spend my tail off at the maternity store. I may just be the happiest pregnant woman that you have come across. As a matter of fact, you may hear me yelling in my apartment, at the top of my lungs, to anyone and everyone that we are pregnant.

Yard Sale

Over the next couple weeks, we are going to prepare for a yard sale and I am going to get rid of as much “stuff” as possible from our spare bedroom. Right now the spare bedroom has a convertible sofa, bookshelves, and an amazing, old, and colorful Middle Eastern rug. I’m not planning on removing those items or any of the paintings on the walls. I just want to make room for a crib and a dresser/changing table. I don’t think the room will be a typical baby nursery by any means. I guess I should explain that we live in a 2 bedroom apartment (in the city) that doesn’t have a ton of room. Maybe I’m still not confident that we’ll be able to have babies for years and when/if I do become pregnant, I’ll change my mind and make the room into a typical nursery. But for now, I completely picture the room staying as is (for the most part) with the addition of some baby furniture.

A friend of mine struggled for years with infertility. Throughout those years, she prepared a nursery in anticipation that she would become pregnant one day. I always thought that was kind of odd. Maybe I’m the odd one though. I would definitely find pleasure in creating a nursery, but I think I’d lose it if I had to pass by that room every day.

Dreams

I had a dream we adopted a baby last night. It was a beautiful, tiny baby girl. I just remember that in my dream, I was so incredibly smitten by this sweet little girl as soon as she was in my arms. Everything just felt so right. For a dream, everything was so vivid and I could really feel each emotion.

Anyway, I wonder what kind of parents we will be. The one upside to not being able to conceive for a long time is that you get to see a lot of your friends and family members start their own families. And you learn (at least in my case) what kind of parents you want or don’t want to be. Their challenges become your lessons. Of course, it’s easy to think you won’t to do this or that, but in reality, who knows what you will be like when you are actually a parent.

It’s been interesting to see how our friends/family “cope” with having a new baby. Some of them continue on with their lives and others seem to be trapped in their houses, afraid to take a baby out for fear that it will cry or misbehave. I really hope that we are going to fall into the first category. I don’t want to be the kind of mother that tries to one up other mothers, or the one that doesn’t let her baby be a baby. I hope I’m laid back enough to go with the flow.

Anyway, what kind of parent are you hoping to be?

My Guilty Pleasure

One of the things that I know I will need to give up sooner rather than later is caffeine. As stupid as it sounds, I could inject myself, undergo surgery and take medications, but I really, really don’t want to give my morning cup of coffee. For years now, I’ve had migraines. A surefire way for me to get a migraine is to miss my morning cup of coffee. I’ll give up wine, I’ll give up sushi, but please just don’t take away my coffee.

Giving up my coffee probably means that I will need to take my prescription migraine meds more frequently, which also makes me wonder if they are safe. My nurse did mention recently that you could have caffeine throughout pregnancy but in limited quantities. And with my migraines in mind, it may make sense for me to continue having my morning cup of coffee. But at the same time, I don’t want to take any risks. So what’s worse? Migraines (and then possibly having to take medications with caffeine) or having the morning cup of joe? I’ll be sure to ask my doc when I see him next.