It’s sad to read some of the infertility stories online. While some of them end up with positive news, a lot of them detail difficult, painful journeys that do not always necessarily have happy endings. Without knowing how our journey will shape out, each time I read about someone’s experience, I wonder if that will be us.
Recently, I was on the mothering.com board and I was reading about egg and/or sperm donation. Someone posted that due to male factor issues, they decided to use donated sperm and were able to have children. The woman went on to say that she and her husband made the decision not to tell anyone, including their children, that they were the product of donated sperm. I have heard about this same predicament with those who adopt. Should they tell their children they were adopted? I have always been of the mind that they should. But I have never thought about donated eggs/sperm and whether or not I feel that children should know. My gut reaction now is that I would want to tell my children when they were old enough to understand because I would want to know. If for nothing else, it is honest and forthright and everyone deserves to know where they came from.
Interestingly, I told my husband about this last night and he thought that it would be better to not complicate things for the children and to not tell them. This just goes to show how hard it is to make decisions on these matters. Nothing is cut and dry.
What I've read is that it's best for children to never remember a time they didn't know. Because otherwise they may feel betrayed/cheated, but if they grow up knowing the story (in an age-appropriate way), then it's just part of their story.
ReplyDeleteBecause schools talk about genetics and family trees and stuff, there's a likely a point where it could be very awkward if a child didn't know (think about the dominant vs. recessive gene tests you did in early science classes.) Luckily, there are more and more "non-traditional" families, so schools are having to figure out how to manage this stuff.
For us, the big question is when/who to tell before the child knows. We currently are thinking we won't tell anyone we're doing DE until we're meaningfully pregnant, and even then just focus on immediate family and close friends. I'm generally quite open about all the infertility stuff we go through, since I think the world benefits from people being open about IF and miscarriages, but my husband is somewhat more private.